What a pain in the ass it is running around this time of year. Squid has been so good all the way through, making it much more bearable. But still, it is a total nightmare out there. I had to stop by the mall today to pick up a few last minute gifts and practically had an anxiety attack. Why is it that when I am in a rush, I can’t find ANY store I’m looking for? I end up walking up and down the entire mall a few times before I land where I’m meant to be. And, why is it that the directories seem to disappear when I need them most? I really think they take them out during the holidays so people can’t find anything and end up wandering into stores they never meant to visit. Conspiracy, anyone?

So, it’s that time of year when the big toy catalogs start showing up at our doorstep. The other night, my stepson began flipping through one of them, marking pages and copying titles onto what will eventually become his finalized letter to Santa.

I always loved looking through those things, no matter what age I was, and still do to this day. When I was little, just the pictures made me happy - just the hope of one day having the pretty new Barbie or My Little Pony. Staring at the pages, my imagination would take off full force and it almost didn’t even matter to me if I received the real thing or not. I said almost!

Now, looking through the Toys ‘R’ Us Christmas catalog, I am more frightened than anything. Can you believe they actually make a CSI kit for kids! I’m not kidding. Here’s the official product description:

Collect, examine and record fingerprints with Grissom’s CSI Team! Fingerprints are unique to every person on earth, because no two prints are alike, they are a very important tool in the science of identification. Learn to use one of the oldest crime solving methods by using step by step instruction from the activity book. The tools that are included with the kit will allow you to perform procedures similar to those conducted by law enforcement both on real crime scenes and in the CSI laboratories. A fun and exciting challenge for anyone interested in being a crime scene investigator, each activity exemplifies the importance of using science to solve crimes. Remember, “The Evidence Never Lies!”

Please tell me I’m not the only one who finds this extremely disturbing. But, what’s even more scary is the “Baby Alive Doll” that (no joke!) actually shits out of her ass! “Here you go, honey, you better start learning how to change diapers. After all, you are 6 years old! Merry Christmas, now go burp your baby!” (And we wonder why our country has a problem with teenage pregnancy!)

Ahh, to be back in the ’80’s, when toys didn’t secretly send a message to grow up!

Popples: As I recall, they were small, rodent-type stuffed animals that rolled up inside themselves and then unrolled to reveal their furry little faces! Mine was purple and pink.

Lite Brite: My grandma kept one at her house for when me and my brother visited. D.T. wasn’t really that into it (I don’t think he had the patience), but I was! I spent hours poking those tiny, colorful pegs into the illuminated screen, thinking each creation was absolutely the best thing that ever was!

Cooties: I’m not sure why I enjoyed playing with these, but I did. Cooties were plastic bugs with removable legs (see sidebar).

Garbage Pail Kids: Modeled after the much more innocent and angelic Cabbage Patch Kids, these trading cards featured their demented counterparts, and depicted dolls like Mick Dagger and Scary Carrie. They were gross and I loved them!

Hmmm, I wonder if I could find some of those on Ebay…

Remember my rant on Babies ‘R’ Us? Yeah, well, I forgive them for being asshole idiots. And this is why:

Yes, it is probably the most ridiculous thing in the world - a cake made of diapers??? - but it is mine! And since I’ve never won a contest before (before this, that is), this enormously absurd, rolled diaper confection serves as my first ever PRIZE!

So, here’s what happened. While I was experiencing an extremely irritating shopping trip last Saturday, I strolled by a table displaying this very “cake,” and a lady behind it asking for all passers-by to enter the contest by guessing the amount of diapers it took to make the monstrosity. A random number came to mind and viola…WINNER!

I got the call this morning, drove over to pick up my prize and now have absolutely nothing to do with it since all the diapers are for newborns and I don’t know anyone expecting…

I guess I’ll just have to have another baby. (Cough!)

Dealing with stupid people while shopping is annoying. Dealing with stupid people while shopping with a baby is unbearable. Dealing with stupid people while shopping with a baby who is hungry/tired/gassy/antsy/or for whatever reason screaming his head off is why I now have 8 gray hairs peeking out of my skull. Twenty-seven and graying! What the eff?! I guess this means I’ll have to dye my hair again soon. Oh, darn.

Now back to the stupid people. It’s not that I don’t understand why there are stupid people in the world, it’s that I don’t understand why there are so many. Like, in Babies ‘R’ Us, for example. There must be one stupid person per square foot of that place. They’re everywhere!

I was lured to this self-proclaimed “superstore” yesterday by loads of purple balloons, squeaky clean shopping carts and an oversized sign exclaiming, GRAND OPENING! Grand, my ass.

“Your sign outside says something about a Safety Expo today. When is that?” Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was under the impression that this was an appropriate question - completely relevant, no big words, pretty straightforward…am I right? Three salespeople later I’m still waiting for an answer. Ok, forget it. Down the aisles I go. But, shit, I need help again.

“Do you guys sell bibs that don’t have a bunch of appliqued crap on the front?”

“Oh, like plain bibs?”

“Yeah, just plain. The ones with all the stuff don’t absorb well.”

“Yes, we have those. Follow me.” Ok! Now we’re getting somewhere…

A strange, winding trip down an extremely narrow maze of aisles later, no bibs. Well, not no bibs. Lots of bibs, all the wrong kinds. “Yeah, we actually don’t have those.” Oooookkkaaaayyy… Two strikes never scared me away from spending money, though, so I keep on moving. I’m browsing through the selection of bottles when I just happen to overhear this:

Salesperson #1: “Sleep sack?”

Crazed Mother: “Sleep sack. You know, it’s a safety thing. So your baby doesn’t suffocate…”

Salesperson #1: “Sleep sack…hmmm…sleep sack.”

Crazed Mother: “Sleep sack! It’s like a blanket that zips up…”

Salesperson #1: “Hey, (name of another equally clueless salesperson), do you know if we have sleep sacks?”

Salesperson #2: “Sleep sacks?”

Crazed Mother: “Sleep sacks!”

Ok, I have to stop here, though I’m pretty sure the three of them went a couple more rounds. This is Babies ‘R’ Us, right? I didn’t accidentally step into Home Depot by mistake, did I? I mean, does anyone working here even know what a baby is? Can someone please tell me why the hell these morons, who clearly know nothing about the shit they’re selling got hired to work at a store dedicated to the exact thing they know nothing about?!?!?!

“Um, sleep sacks are at the end of the clothing section, right before bedding.” I had to, I just had to! I couldn’t stand it any longer. Besides, CM was very grateful I stuck my nose in her business.

A hundred dollars later, I decide I’d better make my way to the cash registers. I hand my only coupon (yes, I’m a geek) to the cashier and hold my breath.

Cashier #1: “This coupon isn’t valid.”

Me: “Hmm…” It’s not fair to jump down her throat just yet. She is, after all, stupid.

Cashier #1: “Hey, (name of another equally clueless cashier), can you help me with this coupon?

Cashier #2: “What’s the probl…oh, yes, this coupon is for Gerber Graduates. You’ve got Stage 1 baby food.”

Me: “Read the coupon! Don’t read part of it. Read the whole thing!”

Cashier #2: “No, it says here, oh wait, yes. Good for $1 off any Gerber baby food, including Gerber Graduates.” We have a winner!

The door! It’s actually real because I can see it now, and outside there is light and air that I can breathe! Almost there, just a little bit further now! EXIT.

My advice: unless you have had a really good night’s sleep and have more than a little time on your hands, don’t attempt a shopping spree with your baby. Internet shopping is practical and actually really fun. You can comparison shop in minutes, there is no time constraint and you can do it on your own terms. And, best of all, no stupid people.